Since I’ve started telling people that I am studying positive psychology it’s been interesting to notice a common remark: “Oh so is the goal to always feel happy?”.
Now I’m a big advocate of balance so I was happy to read that nobody in positive psychology advocates 100% happiness all the time. And as you probably guessed it, it turns out the people who handle life the best don’t necessary have zero negative emotions, but are resilient and have a complex emotional reaction in which they can hold both the negative and positive side by side. For example, lets say your mourning for the loss of someone close to you, the complex emotional reaction would be to feel the pain and grief from the death of a loved one but to also still be able to feel blessed and laugh when you appreciate the deceased’s good qualities or appreciate your neighbour or friend looking after you.
Denying the negative and forcing yourself to be positive is never healthy. Emotions should naturally reflect what is happening in your surroundings and circumstances and be accepted before moving on. What you want to practice is not to focus solely on negative emotions and to also look out for any positives emotions in the situation. Negativity doesn’t always feel like a choice, it usually feels like it just gets given to you, where as positive emotions are more of a choice.
Knowing that no one goes through life escaping grief, loss, trauma and insult; having the discipline, willpower and practice to not solely focus on the negative is a very good skill to cultivate.
One of the main discoveries that has been made in this area, is that there is actually a certain ratio for positive and negative emotions that is beneficial. The ratio of: 3 positive emotions to 1 negative emotion is the tipping point.
Of course aiming above that would result better, four to one, five to one, or even six to one puts you in the flourishing area. Another study showed that married couples who shared about 5 to 1 ration of positive to negative emotions are in a solid marriage, as opposed to 1 to 1 were on their way to getting a divorce.
Negative emotions are valid and feeling positive isn’t about removing all negative emotions but balancing negative feelings with positives one’s in a certain ratio is what is the trick. Because negative feelings have more impact then positive the ratio of 3 to 1, 3 positive emotions to every 1 negative is the neutral ground.
But if you want to be flourishing, having a ratio above that shows you are both feeling satisfied with your life and also functioning well in it. The way psychologists measure that second part is to assess whether people feel as if they are learning, growing, and making contributions to society.
This can also be really important for parenting, as parents we are the sculptor of our kids emotional lives. If we are always focusing on telling them no, no no, changing this to include more playfulness and following the childs interest will help bring the ratio back.
In Business research has found the really successful, high-performing teams had about a six-to-one ratio of positive to negative statements, whereas the low-performing teams had ratios of less than one to one, meaning that more than half of what was said was negative. People on the high-performing teams had an even balance between asking questions and advocating for their own points of view, and also an equal measure of focusing outward and focusing within the group. The low-performing teams had asked almost no questions and almost never focused outside the group. They exhibited a self-absorbed advocacy: nobody was listening to each other — they were all just waiting to talk.
In conclusion, the difference isn’t life threatening but you want to ask yourself do you want to be flourishing or languishing or just getting by? If you want to be flourishing get your positive emotions 3 times higher then your negative and see how this affects your life.
Click here to take a 2-minute on-line quiz and see what your positive to negative ratio is.
